Happy Birthday to me......my birthday is February 18th, which is 2 days away. I will be 50 years old.

Birthdays are hard when you've lost a child (or two). The fact that I've made it another year is pretty tough when they should be outliving me; it just doesn't seem right.

After Kaylie passed, and then Tyler, I wondered how I would live the rest of my life without them. I had it in my head that God would keep me on this earth until I was 104 years old (thus the joke of my cake having candles for 102), and I was sure I would be miserable every day of my life. But, then I realized that Kaylie and Tyler had no idea the day God was going to take them home; not even an inkling. This gave me some peace because I realized any day God could take me home and I just needed to prepare for that day. It could be tonight, tomorrow, the next day, next week.....or even when I am 104 years old. I've learned to live day by day instead of worrying about a future that may never come.

When it comes to birthdays I think of gifts. One of the greatest gifts I've ever received is my relationship with the Lord. It's different than being a Sunday Catholic (or any religion for that matter), or going through the motions of prayer. It is a gift I never would've received had Kaylie not passed away. In so many ways I believe Kaylie saved my life; especially eternally. It takes time and effort to get to know God, but it is so worth it. He can fill a hole in your heart like no one or no thing can. With Him I know I can survive.

I also believe Kaylie helped prepare me for the passing of Tyler. Somehow I feel they knew they would be together. On Kaylie's 9 month angelversary of passing into heaven, the last time I saw Ty, I gave him this HUGE send off. Almost like I knew it would be the last time I'd see him. When he went to kiss me goodbye before he left that night, I told him I needed a kiss on the lips because this kiss could be my last. I proceeded to express my love for him, telling him everything on my heart that he needed to know, and I told him that if God should decide to take him home he needed to tell Kaylie how much I loved and missed her (even though I know she already knows), and I would need major signs because I could not live without the two of them. Being able to tell him all of those things, being able to pray with him, talk about heaven with him, and knowing how much he loved God is truly an amazing gift to me. My heart hurts that Tyler left, but I know he is right where he wanted to be and he was prepared to go.

But, of all the gifts I have been given I am most grateful for the gift of salvation. A gift that came to me, and all of you, freely from God as He sacrificed His one and only Son for our sins to open the gates of heaven; A place for us to live eternally where we can all be together forever. I am grateful that God loves me even when I am unlovable and that I will see my kids and never be separated from them, or the rest of my loved ones, ever again. Amen!

John 3:16

"For God loved the world so much that he gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life."

As much as I miss my kids in heaven I have learned to appreciate being alive and I recognize my many gifts here on earth. My husband, step children and their spouses, and my grandchildren have shown me the gift of unconditional love and I am forever grateful. I have the gift of my parents, my siblings and their families, my relatives, my friends, and so many people lifting me up in prayer.......all amazing gifts I have been given.

I'm not 50 yet; I've got 2 more days to get there and I've got all the gifts I need.....

If I make it to 50 or 104 I will be grateful and embrace each day, but if God chooses to bring me home "I will see you in Heaven".

Thank you Lord!

Blessings......Love Deb aka Kaylie and Tyler's mom....and Josh and Jessi's other mother....

My Greatest Gifts

Deb Hadley

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Trusting in the Lord

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